Have you had it? Are you tired of the same routine that is getting more and more stressful and less fun? Have you talked about making a change but another month goes by and nothing changes? Here’s how you can make some important changes that will bring time, fun, and intimacy back to your strained relationship. These ten Change-Talk tips will help transform your war partner into a willing and involved team player.
1. The Declaration I. If you start with “You” we have already lost! Say: “I want…” You must decide what is most important to you, right now. Focus on a single subject. The quickest way to become ineffective is to water down your message. If you ask for several things at once, you definitely won’t get them and then you start a pattern of failure. Your partner stops paying attention. Broadcasting your demands all over the map renders you powerless and ineffective. The important thing is that you establish a pattern of getting what you want and above all getting what you need. Say, “I want a change in the quality of our relationship.” Who can argue with that!
2. Make an appointment.
Next, agree on a quiet time early in the day where you and your partner can talk without interruption for at least an hour. This is a time to discuss and listen, perhaps with a third party, such as a counselor, trusted friend, or family member. The third person, acting as a mediator, can help keep the argument more and the fight less.
3. It’s your fault. As everyone discusses the problem, someone’s feelings may be hurt. The more scared the dog is, the more likely he is to bite you, so be prepared for him to bite you. Exploring the uncharted waters of your relationship is scary and threatening. Give your partner some slack and be compassionate, even when he or she is acting ridiculous.
4. It’s all my fault. Avoid letting one person take all the blame for a current situation or the discussion will sink into self-pity and guilt-inducing regrets. If you are willing to split the blame, then you can move forward and the discussion will progress.
5. Anger and Tears.
Loud “barking” may occur. As you or your partner get closer to revealing secret, hidden, dark fears and insecurities, you may lose your temper defensively. This is when that third party can entertain and calm things down. Fear changes to anger very quickly. Try to stay focused on talking to your scared Beloved’s inner child and just ignore the hateful, angry, kicking facade that is hurling accusations.
6. Pet and be patient.
While you take turns freaking out, also take turns stabilizing each other. Assure them that you believe in them, love them, respect them, and love them so they can control their runaway emotions. Only then can you return to the topic you want to discuss. This is where most couples give up and never allow their partner to get over their terrifying anxiety to make a change. Your idea of change may include the fear that the relationship will get worse, instead of better. This stubbornness can be deviant love for you, and while annoying, it’s also sweet. Remember that it takes a lot of courage to make changes in what matters most to you.
7. Let it rest. After the hour of emotionally bombarding each other, reason and logic now have a chance to surface. Be on the lookout for that brief moment when his partner sees you from his side. When that happens, both of you take a break and let the ideas cook and rise like yeast bread. If you touch it too soon, it will collapse! Agree a second time to talk more and leave him alone, or you’ll have to start all over again.
8. No cheating. Couples can address major conflicts and changes by allowing Change-Talk to run its bumpy course without trying to skip or shorten the steps. Once the ideas have been fully expressed, listened to, emotionally reacted to, and then reflected on alone and undisturbed, a satisfactory resolution is just around the corner.
9. Know your Matchline gap. The key is to understand that you and your partner have different capacities to give and take in the relationship called the Matchline Gap. When the gap is large, people have to work harder to maintain a balanced relationship. If you are more capable in the relationship, then the responsibility for establishing and maintaining that balance rests primarily with you. Everyone deserves love and happiness.
10. Make a list of your relationship priorities. There are your needs and those of your partner. Your relationship, a separate third entity, has needs too! You both need to nurture your relationship. Even a great relationship will die if ignored, like a beautiful flower. Ask yourself if you are depriving your relationship of time, energy, resources, and laughter. Give your partner a chance to catch up wherever you are with Change-Talk, and then commit to goals and restructurings that will allow you, your partner, and your relationship to thrive.