I am the surviving parent of a son who committed suicide ten years ago today. I remember April 19, 2006 like it was yesterday. The sun was shining, the birds were out. We had survived the winter and spring was here. I had just finished work, met my wife and daughter at a restaurant for dinner, then came the phone call that would change my life forever… It was my son and I was upset. He was terribly entertained. I had heard it sad before, but this was different. When the phone went offline, I quickly told my wife and daughter that I HAD to go. I knew something was wrong, but where was she? Systematically trying to figure out where he might be, sensing time was of the essence, I drove home, which was 30 minutes from where I had last spoken to him. I could hardly believe my discovery when I got home, there he was in the garage and for a brief moment, I thought he was fine. But I was wrong. I found him hanged in the garage, but he was too late. He was a great person who left us too soon. I saw Adam take his last breath two days later at St. Michael’s Hospital shortly after 4:30 pm on April 21, 2006.
This is a follow up letter to my son, ten years later. It’s a mix of what I would say to him and I’m sure it applies to many others as well. This is one of my ways of coping with our loss. If you are thinking of committing suicide, read this to the end and don’t do it. Thanks to Mandy and Meghan for editing my words.
If you are thinking of committing suicide, I BEG YOU, DON’T DO IT! I know and understand that you may be at rock bottom today and in significant pain, but I beg you with all my heart to reconsider. I can say this, even ten years later, and I need you to know that I know your pain is real and I understand it. You are in so much pain that all you can think of is yourself and the simple, quick, and permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you are thinking of committing suicide, please don’t. It is unfair. What you leave behind is honestly much worse than the pain you think you are going to end up with today. If you are thinking of committing suicide, please don’t. Seek help from family, friends, counselors, or even a stranger. Pick up a phone and call or text someone. Please do not make a decision that will significantly affect everyone you know. This could be your goal, “to show everyone”, that they feel pain too, but this is not the answer. People will remember you, but not in the way you want them to. It will affect people you don’t know and possibly some who are yet to be born. You see, the thing is, there’s so much you just don’t know yet. Please don’t take your own life and leave your family and friends behind. Believe it or not, they need you. Believe it or not, they will miss you. They will regret missing a signal you sent or something you said. Believe it or not, they will blame themselves and not you. You might feel like suicide would end everything, but it doesn’t, IT CONTINUES FOREVER! Don’t leave a lifetime of pain for the survivors. I write this with passion and supplication. You may be in a dark and painful place right now, but please don’t. Times will change and things will become clear later. Your bread is here and now. It’s real, but please don’t. If you finish it now, you can only speculate about the future, and let me tell you, the future is just that, unpredictable. But I can assure you one thing, the future is better with you in it. Think of the family. Think of me. Think of yourself! You’re worth it! It doesn’t matter what it is! They put you here for a reason. We all make mistakes. Some people have others they dislike. Some have addictions. Others get in trouble with the law. Some people are depressed, bullied, and others feel worthless. Regardless of who you are, many people feel the same way you do now, at one time or another. I know you don’t believe me. Your pain makes it hard to see clearly, but you are valued, you are worthy, and people’s lives are better with you here! So please, I beg you, don’t do it! Resist the temptation to compare yourself to others. There is only one you. And your life IS worth living. And despite your current belief, YOUR LIFE WILL GET BETTER. So please don’t do it.
Yes, it’s been ten years Adam. We still miss you and love you.