The human being wants to love and be loved. Some are more eager than others to find their “soul mate”, and the sooner the better.
Americans receive countless messages about love and romance from a young age. Fifty years ago, girls were conditioned to play with dolls and taught to focus on their appearance and finding a mate. Men were taught to be responsible and committed when the time was right. I’m not sure much has changed. There is still this longing and emphasis on finding one’s “soul mate.”
I don’t think we all have a single soulmate in our life. We can connect deeply and completely with many people throughout life. We can marry someone and be in a satisfying monogamous relationship our whole lives, but does that mean we only have one soul mate? We don’t know and we can’t know. We shouldn’t know. After you get married, I don’t advocate considering soulmate ideas if you’re not happy with your current partner! The question is now irrelevant and not applicable. It doesn’t mean it’s non-existent. I’m sure philosophizing has a term for this line of reasoning.
Novels by Danielle Steel and Nicholas Sparks will convince you that you can look someone in the eye and poof, you’ll have a special love that will last a lifetime. Isn’t it ironic that these two authors didn’t achieve a happy and lasting love with their initial partner?
I don’t believe in love at first sight either. I believe in lust at first sight. I think we experience a strong chemistry or energy field with each other. I believe that our intelligence is rooted in the head, heart and gut and that we need to be aware of those signals.
People often focus on the heart or head and physical chemistry to the exclusion of other cues because they want a partner. They jump to conclusions, ignoring the true essence of the other person because they are lonely, desperate or wanting something for themselves. In a sense, love at first sight is usually self-centered and selfish.
How can you know the true essence of another person? I would say this takes time. It takes hours of conversation to discover who the person is: what are their values, priorities, pains, struggles, hurts, preferences, background? Do you know his childhood story and what his parents and grandparents were like? What do you know about their difficulties and successes? What are your dreams and fears?
There is no way to know the answers to these questions just by taking a look or two and spending a day or two with a person you just met. Are you familiar with any red flags? Have you put out your antennae to look for red flags? Red flags include: Hidden information you need to know: such as a felony, conviction, financial problems, past childhood sexual, physical or emotional abuse, current day, or if you were an abuser. Who will admit that they abused another person? You should interact with the person’s closest circle of friends, family and acquaintances, if possible.
Other red flags that need to be healed, discussed, or addressed: alcoholism and substance abuse, eating disorder, addiction, pornography, abortion. Does this person make fun of others, bully others, have contempt for certain groups?
What evidence does the person show of selfishness and sacrifice? How does the person spend their time? Are you compatible? What are some of the things you like to do together? Only? How are you going to deal with your differences?
He needs to know one’s personality and character and how the two fit together as a couple and form a third entity, a relationship that combines the two of them. How the hell can you know that from looking into the eyes of an attractive person from across a room?
You need to know how you react to stress and trauma and how you handle changes in life. Are you familiar with the person’s history, birth order, etc.? Can you really look someone in the eye and know if he is capable of forgiveness, if he respects all human beings and what is his vision of the world, how he was formed and how he practices it?
Successful relationships are not about navigating whether or not someone leaves the toilet seat or how one squeezes the toothpaste container, it is about cultivating a special, respectful, kind and loving friendship. Through the trials and tribulations of life, happily married couples have a sense of humor and lightness in their relationship. It is a refreshing and renewing union.
Friends first, lovers later. Our culture is on its way to becoming hookup partners first and then maybe friends later. Pursue pleasure, avoid pain, never mind understanding what it means to have joy.
These are some of the reasons why I don’t believe in love at first sight. Strong chemistry, yes, but love, no.