When will we decide as a civilized society that the abuse of girls/women has to stop? As health professionals, we know that the aftermath of such abuse, especially repeated attacks over time that spread to the young, leave deep scars. Many women find it difficult, if not impossible, to return to a healthy relationship with a man, as their trust has been broken. So the long-term effects of abuse are more devastating than any physical damage.
Although nurses specifically are known for our deep empathy, I don’t think the men who commit these despicable crimes think or care about how their actions affect their victims. Instead, I’ve heard that they usually just dehumanize the other person and therefore have no adverse feelings about the heinous things they’ve done. Some still believe that girls/women are basically slaves (remember we only fought and won the right to vote in 1920, when we were finally considered citizens by law as well). Before that time, many men believed that we were the property of our fathers first and our husbands second, but some can still justify their actions by believing that they have the right to do what they want with women.
We still fight to get the same pay for the same work. Women only make about 77% of a man’s salary, even in the healthcare field in the US today, and a glass ceiling remains, although tenacious women are beginning to break through it. The women’s movement in the late 1960s aided the process of considering women as equal human beings at least in the workforce. Yet we still hear about sexual harassment, most recently exposed in our military. Therefore, the belief system of some men remains in the days of cavemen, even though we have become superficially very civilized. Also legislation in the 1970s made it at least illegal for men to beat their wives/girlfriends, but changing beliefs always takes more time than just updating the laws. Women have also had to learn to reach out, get help when they need it, and be more wary of men whom they trust for both their own safety and that of their daughters.
Some specific ways to help women and their daughters avoid abuse include:
1. Be very careful who takes care of your daughters. Just because someone is a friend or family member does not mean they are trustworthy.
2. Teach your daughters to tell you if someone touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, since abusers often groom their victims before they engage in serious sexual abuse. My mother described my “personals” as being between my neck and my knees. Even though she was only five feet tall, she also let me know that if someone threatened to hurt her or our family, she was very capable of standing up for us, and I believed her.
3. Always be aware of your surroundings. Refrain from using headphones or cell phones when walking, as they can distract you from listening to someone behind you.
4. Date rape is more common than many think. My parents always demanded that the child come into the house and meet them. They were clear about the curfew and respect for me and seemed stern in sharing those expectations. Grooms usually referred to my parents as “ma’am and sir” and, unsurprisingly, acted like gentlemen.
5. Of course, taking walks from strangers or even neighbors/peer parents without parental screening is never a good idea.
6. Personally I am a black belt in a martial art similar to Judo, so it is not aggressive, but very effective. Knowing how to defend yourself can boost your confidence and can also help you stay calm if you are attacked.
7. If the unthinkable happens, contact trained professionals who can help you recover. Rape is a violent attack that is in no way your fault.
Remember that staying safe takes awareness and planning, but training helps too!